


your heart so close to mine

by we_are_the_same



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:38:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/548191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_are_the_same/pseuds/we_are_the_same
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Liam and Zayn slept together and the one time they ~slept together, which was the most satisfying of them all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	your heart so close to mine

The first time, Zayn ends up crying. He slips out of bed in the middle of the night, sheets smooth and warm as they slide down his skin and fall, covering the other boy, who frowns and mumbles something and reaches for a pillow with a softly sighed  _"Dani"._ Zayn retreats to the bedroom he was meant to share with Niall, thankful for the soft snoring as he feels his way to the bed and hopes that closing his eyes tight enough will make him fall asleep before he can think too deeply on what has happened.  
  
It doesn't, and when he can recreate the cracks in the ceiling in his mind without looking up at the off-white paint, without opening his eyes to check, he gives up on the attempt and leaves the bed again, taking his blanket with him to the balcony where he sits and smokes and watches the sky change color.  
  
It's the hint of orange in the otherwise dark sky that makes him think of Liam, that finally makes him break down. It's not just that he doesn't know what to do, where to go from here, it's that he knows something has changed and he fears he might be the only one feeling that way. It's knowing that his parents love him but that the Qu'ran claims homosexuality is a sin, and he's just not  _strong_  enough to handle the backlash he knows will come if people find out. His faith gets criticized enough as it is, people are questioning his influence on todays youth just because he's Muslim, and he needs the support from his community to get through things.   
  
Liam would pet his hair and tell him not to worry and that he'll always be there to protect Zayn, but Liam is tangled in sheets that they marked with sweat and other bodily fluids, on a bed Zayn has no right to be in, no right to  _want_  to be in when he was the one that left. But where Liam had fallen asleep sated and spent, Zayn had smelled alcohol on his breath with every soft exhale against his skin. He had tried to burrow into Liams arms to replace the smell but Liam had protested even in sleep, had rolled over until Zayn could see the smooth expanse of his back, body close enough to see the tiny blemishes and mind far too far away to ever hope to leave a mark.  
  
When - hours and countless cigarettes later - he encounters Liam over breakfast, and Liams eyes won't meet his own long enough for Zayn to see anything other than that Liam looks decidedly more well-rested than Zayn feels, he's glad for the cold morning air that kept his eyes from puffing, the glass door that kept out the sounds of muffled sobs. He doesn't need the attention, the sympathy he knows he'd get from the others, though for a minute or so he wishes that someone would hug him when Liam mumbles a quiet  _"It was nothing, okay?"_  in passing. Zayn just nods and follows mindlessly, into an interview room where they're asked the same questions over and over, like nothing has changed.  
  
*  
  
The second time, Zayn is the one that's drunk, that has been knocking back three shots for every beer Liam has had, until he stops counting. He isn't sure if Liam's had more beer since the last time he signaled down the bartender, can't quite remember if the other is even close to buzzed, but he smiles and he bops his head and he hugs Liam when Liam wraps slender fingers around his wrist and pulls him out of the crowd. He doesn't wonder if Liam had been drinking enough to cloud his judgment until the next morning, when his knees won't stop aching and his throat feels sore and he remembers letting Liam drag him off to a bathroom, remembers giggling and pawing at his skin and Liam murmuring into his ear. Remembers with painful clarity how Liam whispered that Zayn wanted it so badly, that he was going to  _let_  him suck him off, and even if Zayn knows that he never would have thought about doing a thing like that if it hadn't been for the other manhandling him into a cubicle, he still feels like a slut.  
  
Liam won't meet his eyes and the show that night isn't different from any other night and nothing changes even if everything has.  
  
*  
  
The third time, Zayn starts to realize that maybe nothing has changed. Maybe this will become as familiar as everything else has. Liam gets drunk, Liam gets handsy, and drunk or sober, Zayn lets him. Lets him run his hands all over him in the cab they shared when the others weren't ready to go home and Liam insisted on it, lets him suck a hickey onto his collarbone before the elevator door has even properly closed. He'd like this side of Liam - the uncaring, wild, free side of him that so few ever get to see - if it wasn't brought on by alcohol, if it didn't make Zayn feel like the only thing Liam cares about is a warm and willing body in his bed. He feels replaceable, and when Liam thrusts into him and breath ghosts over his earlobe, Zayn wants to claw at his skin and leave marks and maybe  _hurt_  him a little, because as with all patterns, he knows how this is going to go. Liams smooth rhythm will falter, he'll wrap his hand around him and bring him off, maybe rumble out a rough  _"baby"_ and after an hour or so, Zayn will leave, because the alternative is opening his eyes in the morning to find that Liam couldn't face waking up next to him.  
  
Zayn isn't strong enough for that, and the one person he would usually turn to to give him strength is the person who won't meet his eyes the next morning.  
  
*  
  
The fourth time, Liam bites down onto his neck hard enough to draw blood. He doesn't apologize, but his grip is too tight for Zayn to squirm out of unnoticed, and though he doesn't really remember falling asleep, he wakes up the next morning to find that Liam is still there with him. His hold has lessened during the night, though his arms are still around Zayn, and this break from the pattern hurts worse than the bruises that Liam insisted on leaving last night. He tries shifting, tests the strength of the embrace he's in, wondering if Liam will trap him or let him go, knowing that he'll wake up sometime during Zayns not-so-subtle attempt at leaving.  
  
He lets him go, and Zayn barely takes the time to collect his clothes before he's making his way out of the room, the door on its way to closing when he hears his voice, sleep-roughed but still deafening in how utterly  _quiet_  he sounds.  _"I wish that things would just go back to how they were."_ Zayns fingers are white around the door knob and he doesn't answer.  
  
*  
  
The fifth time, Liam won't even look at him  _during_ , and Zayn wants to hit him and yell "look at me" but he moves his hips and thrusts back against Liam until the other shudders and comes with a sharp cry. He bats Liams hand away when the other half-heartedly reaches out to jerk him off, a few strokes making him spill onto the bedspread, teeth digging into his bottom lip before he can't help himself. "Why are you with me when it's not what you want?" He says, and that at least gets him a look. Not much more than that though, because Zayn finds he doesn't want to hear what he's been suspecting for so long, that Liam is just lonely and that Zayn is easy, because Zayn  _lets_  him fuck him and  _lets_  him take what he wants without having to give back. "Never mind" He says, shakes his head, wipes his hand on Liams shirt because he's petty and immature, and seriously considers not even hunting down his boxers before making the trek to Nialls room.  
  
*  
  
Louis is looking at him with this calculating look the next morning, one that Zayn knows never means anything good. He's either got some plan that'll involve taking a leap of faith (which he'll easily get because he'll bat his lashes and say  _don't you trust me Zayn_ ) that somehow never warrants that leap in hindsight, or, and that's even scarier, he's got a hunch. Louis with a hunch is like a detective with too much free time on his hands and nothing better to do than investigate silly disappearing rabbits, he digs his teeth in and won't let go until he's gotten to the bottom of it all. Zayn arches an eyebrow and tries to appear as though he has  _no_  idea where the rabbit went, and Louis just shakes his head and pours him a glass of orange-juice, pushing it towards him with two slender fingers. Zayn chugs it and doesn't meet Liams eyes when he enters the room, doesn't see the way Louis looks between them and shakes his head.  
  
"We going out tonight?" He asks later on, the five of them sharing room service, piled onto Harry's bed despite the youngest' complaints. Louis glances up, looks all speculative again for a moment, then shakes his head.  _"Nah"_ He says, tugging at one of Harry's curls.  _"Haz promised we could watch the last three episodes of-"_  and Zayn is sure that he should continue listening but he's already shifted his gaze to Niall. "Nialler?" The blonde shrugs, wiping barbecue sauce off his chin.  _"There's a match on tonight"_ He says, sounding genuinely sorry, but Zayn just nods, fingers tugging idly at a loose thread on the bedspread. "Li?" He hears himself ask, because it would be weird not to, would be like nothing has changed - like Liam wants to - but his heart isn't in it. He knows clubbing with Li and while alcohol sounds great right now, it's obvious he can't trust himself around Liam when he's had too much to drink. Nor can he trust Liam.  
  
But he  _can_  trust Liam to say no, because Liam is the sensible one and they've got a busy day tomorrow, and he'll say no.  _"Sure"._  
  
Fuck.  
  
Liam knocks on his door at five to ten, and Zayn looks away from the ManU versus Everton game Niall seems so engrossed in (that he'd love because  _Man United_  but he can't even fake it right now, much as he'd love to tell Liam he reconsidered because of the game), shifts to push himself up to his feet before tousling up Nialls hair, thankful for the silence he's been able to experience tonight. "Night Niall" He says, hears a grunt in response and then a curse when the referee won't award a free kick - possibly a penalty? Zayn doesn't look to check - as he moves towards the exit of the hotel room, barely sparing Liam a glance (or in fact, more than a cursory  _"_ hey") as he closes it behind him. "You ready then?" He asks, doesn't look up as he is already on his way towards the elevators, the pressure of fingers around his wrist familiar enough to make him stop.  
  
 _"I was thinking we could just stay in"_ Liam says, and Zayn wants to laugh as much as he wants to punch him. "Okay" He agrees easily, waits for Liam to open the door with his key card before taking off his shirt and letting it drop to the floor, necklaces chiming softly when they fall back against his skin. "Wanna get straight to it then? Or do you need a few drinks from the mini bar first?" He walks towards the bed, sits down to take off his shoes. "Danielle still buying that excuse? That you didn't know what you were doing because you were drunk?" He gives up on the knot in his sneakers, toes them off instead and kicks one across the floor, actions as spiteful as his words.  
  
 _"Zayn"_ Liam starts, and Zayn shakes his head. "Don't. We both know what'll happen. You don't need to pretend to get me in bed, we both know that by now." He wishes he had more restraint, more self-esteem maybe, or maybe just a little less love for him, because despite the shitty way Liam's been treating him, Zayn still wants to be the one Liam calls his.  
  
He's halfway to undoing his jeans when Liam stills him, kneels down in front of him and puts one hand on Zayns hip, the other coming up to brush against his cheek.  _"Zayn"_ Liam repeats, and something in it silences him, makes him stop trying to undress himself to get to the few stolen minutes where Liam hugs him and he can pretend that this is enough, that this is real. Zayn doesn't want to look at him, is afraid that he'll end up crying, but brown meets brown nonetheless, his own widening at the gentleness he sees in Liams earnest eyes.  _"Dani and I broke up weeks ago, Zee"_ Liam starts, patient and fond, though he shushes Zayn - brushes a fingertip over trembling lips - when the other releases his bottom lip to speak.  _"We broke up because I was wrong. Because this **wasn't**  nothing. Because I never wanted it to be nothing." _  
  
Zayn wonders if he could get away with pinching himself or if Liam would notice, because this can't be happening. This has to be a dream, even if he's so adamant about never going there, even in his head, that not even his subconscious had been able to create such an elaborate fantasy. He digs his nails into his side and shivers when he feels the slight sting, and Liam smiles like he knows what he's doing. His thumb brushes over Zayns cheekbone again and Zayn can't help but think that this mark goes deeper than the ones Liam has left on him since the start.  _"I thought...that it was just sex. For you."_ The taller boy continues, and Zayn tries and fails to convey how utterly stupid that notion is with just his eyes and his face, but the fact that there's tears pooling in his eyes makes it kind of hard to look cross, and he can't exactly scowl with the way Liams fingertips have danced down to his mouth.  
  
"You're so fucking stupid" He mutters because he has to say  _something_. Liam laughs, squeezes his hip.  _"You kept leaving"_ He points out, and oh. "Well-" Zayn starts, defensive, but Liam shakes his head and leans in like he wants to kiss him, then stops and looks like he's asking if it's okay. It's more than okay but Zayn doesn't want to be the one to lean in because he's not easy damn it, he's not just this warm and willing body, he's Zayn and apparently he's kind of stupid too. All kinds of stupid that merge into one big stupid-for-Liam.  _"Stay this time"_ Liam begs him, and this spurs Zayn into moving his arms around him (stupid treacherous body), his own feeling feeble and in dire need of the kind of strength only Li has been able to give him.   
  
"Okay" He replies, calmer now when Liam feels firm and solid underneath his fingertips, body trying to reassure mind that this is real, though he keeps stroking up and down, needs to feel warmth and muscle, proof that he hasn't gone crazy.  _"Yeah?"_ Liam whispers, asks, and he sounds just as worried as Zayn is, just as insecure and desperate for this to be real. It shocks Zayn into looking up from where he'd been trying to map his skin with his hands, their eyes meeting again, his own softening at the vulnerable look in Liams eyes. "Yeah" He says, and Liam smiles, absolutely fucking  _beams_  like Zayn has just given him a huge present.  
  
He doesn't let him go at all when they're in bed that night, tightens his hold whenever Zayn even breathes in too deeply, but Zayn doesn't mind, just presses closer, fingertips splayed over Liams heart in reassurance, the way his body is curled into him saying  _it's okay, I'm here, I'm staying_. He finally understands now, what Liam meant when he said he wanted things to go back to how they were, because it's like they've finally managed to regain that unspoken connection, that instinct to shift when the other does, constant push-pull as they orbit around one another. Zayn has no doubt that things are going to get difficult further on down the road, that he'll go back to fearing change the way he'd done the first time this has happened, but it only takes one look at Liam - peacefully asleep with a smile Zayn knows he's responsible for - to know that no matter what, he has the strength to face it. It makes him smile in return, makes him lean in to press a gentle kiss to Liams lips, and this time Liam doesn't move away when he tries to burrow into his arms. He just tugs him closer, and the soft whispered  _"Zayn"_ is enough to take away the last of his fears, making him succumb to sleep in the knowledge that this time he won't wake up alone.


End file.
